Many
of you have been following my stories of my visits to the Casa of John of God
in Brazil. I’ve written of the gift of these journeys, of a very gradual return
of hearing after 38 years of deafness, and the return of vision after a serious
accident in 2004. In January and
February of 2010 I visited the Casa again and am still absorbing and
integrating the experiences. Sometimes big events look big, as in hearing
thunder or Amazing Grace that I told the last two years. Sometimes it’s not
until one looks back that one sees the enormity of the gifts given. These
experiences help me to better understand the meaning of healing. Let me start
at the beginning.
I
came to the Casa this year with several intentions beyond the usual request of
help for my hearing and right eye. For over a year I had had severe shoulder
pain; medical tests showed advanced osteoarthritis in both shoulders. I had
severely limited range of motion of the arms, pain when I moved them, and
worse, pain even when they were still. There was nerve pain shooting down both
arms, which was challenging in the daytime and impossible at night. I had not
slept well in over 6 months; throbbing sensations kept me awake most of the
night. There was no comfortable sleep position that didn’t lead to strong pain
in a few minutes. In late September at Omega Institute, the Entity working
through John of God was able to alleviate some pain but said I needed to come
back to Brazil for him to do deeper healing of the shoulders.
Another
intention: I was still looking for the right way to bring my new book out into
the world. I came to the Entity on my first day at the Casa with all of these
intentions. As usual, he didn’t even wait to hear what I was asking, just said
“Surgery,” and dismissed me. About
the book, he just nodded and said, “It is done.” The doubting mind immediately
jumped to the thought, ”He doesn’t care about me.” How long have I carried that
old baggage, believing myself in some way to be lesser than others, wrong in
some way, unloved or unlovable?
Such thought arises very seldom now, and when it does I know it as old
conditioning, but it still does come and still has power to cause pain. What
most needed to be healed then was not the deafness, eye or shoulders, but this
old myth that still had roots and arose with conditions.
That
first week flew by. For two days after surgery I slept an exhausted sleep, not
just recovering from surgery but from months of sleep deprivation, for
miraculously, I could sleep with no pain.
The third day, I awakened enough to check my email and found a letter
from a wonderful publisher in California who expressed strong interest in my
book. By the end of the week this interest had deepened into a commitment; he
wanted to publish it. How can one keep the myth going, of “I am not seen or
heard?” with these responses? And yet the roots were still not fully resolved.
The
day before the surgery review, I met with Heather, my friend and translator.
The pain was so much less, but I told her there was still no motion possible in
the shoulders. Held still, they were pain free, but movement was agonizing. She
said to show the Entity the limited motion that I demonstrated for her, and I
returned to my pousada for lunch. Midway through lunch I started to feel
light-headed and very sleepy, so I went to my room, lay on the bed and
immediately fell into a deep sleep. I dreamed I was having surgery. I next
opened my eyes three hours later. It felt like coming out of general
anesthetic; it took me an hour to get myself into an awake state, as that
drugged sleep kept pulling me back. When I finally was able to move, I walked
out of my room to sit on a chair in the garden. When I reached for the chair,
my arm moved freely, without pain. I started to move both arms and was
immediately cautioned by spirit to be very gentle; no big movements for a week;
they must heal; there are stitches. I sat, filled with wonder, which would
increase in a few minutes when I realized that for the first time since the
retinal vein tore in 2004, I could see color with the right eye rather than
just shades of grey. I just sat for half an hour, feeling loved and expressing
gratitude.
I
was busy these next two weeks with my group, the 12 people for whom I was
serving as a guide, and did not see the Entity personally except for passing
through the lines for surgery review and taking my group members to him. When I
wasn’t busy with my group, at the Entity’s request I sat in his Current
(meditation) Room, but my meditations were shallow and it felt like nothing was
happening. Then those 2 weeks ended, part of the group left, and I was no
longer official guide for those who remained. It was time for me to pass by the
Entity again, and I pondered what to ask him. Here is the ironic part; despite
the enormous gifts of those first 3 weeks, I still felt like I must be doing
something wrong. Around me, I saw profound healing and heard stories from
people about their healing cancer, MS, and other ailments including deafness.
Why could I not hear? Why did nothing new happen this year with my ears?
I
had the wisdom to see the grasping and fear, and not get totally caught in it,
but it was there. Finally I decided to ask him, “What I can I do to support
healing of the hearing?” It sounds like an innocent and upbeat question, but at
some level I was still asking, “What am I doing wrong? Tell me so I can fix
it.” The incorporated Entity that morning, Jose Penteado, truly saw where I was
and had the perfect response. He said, “Love supports healing.” He was holding
a small flower, placed it into my palm, gently closed my fingers around it and
continued, “Here is my love. Now sit in my Current.”
I
spent the next 10 days reflecting on his message, as I sat many hours in
Current and meditated in the garden. I do believe I’m a loving person, able to
love others, to treat myself with love and to receive love from others. Yet as
I watched the arising thoughts and my response to them, I saw myriad ways in
which I was less than loving to myself. Especially, I saw that when a thought arose
of, “What am I doing wrong,” I immediately condemned myself with a follow-up
thought, “I should be beyond that kind of thinking by now.” I was amazed at how many judgments and
“shoulds” I saw.
Yet
the myth persisted. If I just did something right, I would hear. If he would just put his hands
on my ears, surely he could bring hearing. I could imagine it happening! “Why
is he ignoring me?” came the myth. “What am I doing wrong?” Then one day I was
standing in the Main Hall before the day started when the incorporated Entity
came out on the stage. As he faced the assembled hundreds of people, he looked
directly at me, then walked right toward me, stopped inches away, looked into
me for a long time with a deeply penetrating look, then stepped back one step and
put his hands on the head of the woman standing next to me. With his hands on
her head, he continued to look at me. It was clear he was aware of my thoughts
and was challenging me to release them.
Twice
in one day, the Entity walked up to where I was sitting in the front row of his
Current. My eyes were closed but I could feel his energy approach. The first
time he put his hand on the head of the woman sitting next to me, then moved
her to a big chair right next to his seat. Another time, he called a different
woman sitting next to me, to come from the Current, up to talk with him, and
asked her to stay another week so he could do more work with her. Each time,
the same old habits arose. “I am invisible; unloved; imperfect.” Each time they
were noted with mindfulness, and I was able to skillfully note the tension and
not build further stories, but these thoughts still came. And judgment of them
came. It was a painful 2 weeks.
Finally
it was my last day, and I would pass through the line again. The logical mind
did feel gratitude. By now, with his blessing, I was swimming and able to move
the arms fully and with no pain. I slept soundly. I saw in color again. I had a
perfect book contract for Cosmic Healing, my book about this healing journey. Balance
was improved. I had been riding a bike with increasing ease and balance for 5
weeks. I was walking with greater ease.
As I
had pondered the book, I was very aware of the responsibility to bring this
book fourth without a lot of ego, but from a very clear space. I had been told
by spirit for years, “The book will be published when you are ready.” In other words, I would not be given the
opportunity for this next step until I was ready not to have ego grab hold of
it. If the opportunity was now here, then I was ready; and that felt true. Yet
the question still came. Thousands may read this book; I will travel and give
talks with it. Already I had an invitation to speak in California, to share
some of the book’s teachings with a large audience. Can these words come from a
place of emptiness and love? So I asked the Entity what seemed at first to be
another clear and innocent question; “Please help me to do my teaching and work
with the book with humility, wisdom and love.”
Again
the Entity, this time Dr. Valdivino with whom I have worked intensively though
these years, saw right through my question and into my fears and doubts. Am I
“good enough” to do this well? He
gave me an exquisitely tender smile, and the kind of look a parent might give a
beloved child, of “You still don’t get it. . . . Please try now. . . .” He took
my hand, said very clearly, enunciating each word so I could lip-read it, “I love you very much,” and placed two
radiant roses in my hand. “Sit in my Current.”
I
sat and the tears came. There was such a deep level of healing, and with each
tear shed, a profound release of old beliefs.
Are
these beliefs completely eradicated? Probably not. Hopefully the next time they
emerge I can remember, smell those roses and feel spirit’s love, release the thought
faster, and rest in Truth. We are loved. We are home. There is nothing to fear.
